Alive Like Us Read online

  Kai breathed in the cleansing night air, exhaling a cloud of vapor. Ironic that he’d spent the years dreaming of the communal celebrations of his childhood and yet each minute in that hall had felt like boot pressing down on his chest.

  He climbed down the worn stone steps, passing a stone that had the numbers “1940” carved in high relief.

  The church predated the First Night by extactly a hundred years, offering solace and sanctuary to countless soliders, fisherman and farmers desperate to eeke out a living. Though given the size of the horde yesterday, it’s days of relative safety and obscurity were over. The Infected were drawn to areas with a growing population and this giant rock jutting into Lake Superior was no different.

  The fresh fallen snow glittered like crushed diamonds beneath the full moon. The whole town seemed washed in a cool, sapphire light, transforming the humble shacks and cabins into a dreamy fairyland. For a brief, blessed moment, he might as well be the only person in the world. Except for Sanna.

  Kai froze. He hadn’t seen her since the day before, though he’d thought of far more than he cared to admit. Perhaps that’s why he sensed her presence now as she stood in the dark shadow of the church. The air around him grew electric. The fine hairs on his arms prickled in awareness.

  He should run. He should head straight back to Iris’s hut, get Esme and head North. Leave this cursed territory before it was too late.

  After that horde’s sudden retreat and tale from last summer, there was no doubt in his mind that she had powers similar to Iris. And once word got out, she would become part of a game he had no interest in playing.

  And yet, like the night before, the very ground seemed to tilt towards her. Even when he’d fished her out of the lake, he’d felt the subtle pull.

  At the time, he’d chalked it up to his lack of female contact. But now, his very bones felt drawn to her, like metal to magnets. Perhaps it was her strange mix of pheromones that beckoned him. Or, maybe it was something far more dangerous. Desire. Attraction. Things he couldn’t afford.

  He stopped at the mouth of the alley, his chest heaving as though he’d sprinted and maybe—maybe he had. He couldn’t remember. Didn’t care. All that mattered was that she stood in front of him. Those drunks in the church had said that Haven was the true beauty, but at this moment, Kai couldn’t imagine a woman more stunning than Sanna. She’d turned many heads when she walked into the sanctuary, all thanks to the fine woolen dress that hugged her subtle curves, and the way her hair poured over her shoulder like pale gold. Some might think her cursed, but others had clearly realized that Sanna was more than just a soldier. Kai wasn’t sure he liked it.

  “Hey Kai.” Her eyes were as deep and dark as the watery depths he’d pulled her from. “You feel it too, don’t you? Maybe it’s the ale.”

  “I haven’t had any,” he answered, leaning closer. His voice sounded rough to his own ears.

  She gave a faint smile. “Me neither.”

  Her words stunned him, blurring the world into shades of color. He was afraid—terrified—that if he moved even an inch the entire moment would dissolve like a dream and he realized, suddenly, how much it ached to be alone. That deep, forbidden part of him wondered what it would be like if his family had never been exiled. If he had come to Erling as the son of a successful merchant, not as a homeless, kinless nobody with a bounty on his head.

  “That night in the cabin...” she paused. She was close enough that a deep breath would mean the slopes of her breasts would brush him, and the possibility was pure, sweet agony. “The...pull hasn’t stopped.”

  “I know,” he said, his voice rough. It was easy for him to talk to girls. When he’d been with the Inferno, part of his job had been charming information out of Lieutenants’ daughters and those of other high-ranking officials. With Sanna, however, all his practiced lines dried up, leaving him feeling naked. Vulnerable.

  “Kai,” she hesitated, worrying her bottom lip. “You didn’t hear anything while we were in the Kill Zone, did you?”

  “Like what?”

  The church’s entrance swung open, spilling light and raucous noise onto the quiet street. Sanna drew Kai deeper into the shadows of the alley. Two figures staggered down the steps, leaning on each other for support. She waited until they were out of earshot before stepping into the moonlight again. “A voice. A child’s voice.”

  “No,” Kai said. He wondered it had been Iris, somehow. “What did it say?”

  Her lips parted, but then she shook her head. “Nothing. I—I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have

  drug you out here like this.” She headed for the stairs again.

  “Tell me,” he blocked her path. “Please. I want to help.”

  “It’s stupid. I...uh...got a concussion a week ago.” She moved around him, and Kai suddenly feared her absence. “I must’ve been hallucinating, or something,”

  “Something weird happened that night. When we were in the cabin.” She halted mid-step and he continued, the words coming out in a rush. “I wasn’t going to say anything but was almost like you were...changing into something.”

  “Into what?”

  “I don’t know,” he shrugged. “But the Infected outside were going crazy. I was afraid they’d break down the door.”

  The blood drained from her face. She took a step back, tripping on the next step. He grabbed her arm to steady her.

  “Something’s happening to me. I feel...different,” her voice thickened. “It’s...almost as if the real me is still in that lake.”

  “You’ve been through a lot. I heard about what happened last summer. And then the Bone Boys,” Kai said, refusing to mention her dead boyfriend. “That kind of stuff would change anyone.”

  She started to pull away, but he held firm. “So, this voice that’s been talking to you—is it telling you to go somewhere?” He asked, thinking of Iris.

  “No. It wants to kill me or...at least control me. In the cabin, it tried to get me to kill you.”

  “Really?” Kai hid his concern behind an easy smile. Iris wouldn’t send him all this way just to kill Sanna herself, which meant someone—or something—else was after Sanna. “Well clearly the voice is not very good at it.”

  She didn’t smile this time and the need to fix, to comfort, was so great that his resistance broke. He folded his arms around her. “Hey, it’s okay. Then important thing is you didn’t, right? I mean, I’m still standing here.”

  “When we were in the Kill Zone, waiting for the gate to open the voice told me it was all over. It tried to take over my brain. It took all I had to get rid of it.”

  “But you did, right? Get rid of it.”

  “Yeah. But, I don’t want it to talk to me at all. I feel it...watching me. Waiting. It wants me to do terrible things, Kai. What if it gets stronger?” Her voice broke. “Wh-what if it makes me do something...unthinkable?”

  “You won’t. You won’t let it win. I’m sure it will pass, whatever it is. I mean...you look normal. Healthy.”

  Sanna’s gaze searched him, and he knew she found him wanting. “You’re right,” her voice trembled. “Sorry I bothered you.”

  “Sanna—” Kai started.

  “I’ll go back first,” she cut him off. “Wait a few minutes, okay?”

  Did she not want to be seen with him? Was she...embarrassed? A cold feeling leached into his heart, as if it were being encased in ice. He was an outsider. A nobody. Even a place like Erling, he was still alone.

  She turned to go, then paused. “You’ll have to take a blood test tomorrow. I’ll escort you after my shift. It was supposed to happen today, but I guess the clinic is a mess with the new doctor and all. I could try to sneak you a vial of mine, if you need it.”

  “I don’t need your blood, Sanna.” Or anything else.

  She headed for the door, pausing at the foot the stone steps. “By the way, I’ve been thinking a lot about your friend—the unclean girl,” the words tumbled out in a rush. “When the weather is nicer
, maybe you could bring her to the cabin? Though maybe she has a family or is part of a group, or something so it probably isn’t big enough. We could build more, though. A little town outside the walls? I’d also like to give her some things. Nice things—new—not hand-me-downs or whatever. I don’t know.”

  “Yeah—

  “I just—what you said really bothered me. I mean, I knew about the uncleans, of course, but I never actually knew them. I don’t know if I can really change the way things are done, but I can at least help her. And others, when they’re turned away. I’m sorry. I’m blabbing about stuff you already know.”

  “No,” Kai interjected. “I think it’s great, actually.”

  “Good. Then maybe after the blood test, we could go to the store. You could point out some things she’d like.”

  “Sure.”

  “Great.” The corners of her lips quirked into small smile. She glanced at the door. “I guess we should get back. Before people start talking.”

  “Nah, I’ve had enough celebration for one evening,” Kai took a few steps back. “Besides, Frankie needs to be let out.”

  The light in her eyes faded. “Sure.”

  Did she... want me to stay? Hope dawned in his chest as he watched her glide up the steps, her movements quick and elegant. He bet it was her years of training that made every move so graceful.

  “Wait.” She paused at the top, facing him. “Was it worth it? Saving us? I know Erling doesn’t have a lot to—”

  “Yes.” He caught her gaze and a genuine grin tugged at his lips, the first one since Esme got sick. “Yes, it was.”

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  The bell rang the following afternoon, shaking Sanna from her bored stupor as she stared out onto the Killzone, the same spot she’d been watching for the last twelve hours. Her mind had wandered, dangerously so, and she was glad her shift was finally over. She gathered her things and climbed down the rickety ladder. With each step her heart beat a little prospect of seeing him. Kai. He’d looked like a prince from one of the faded picture books she read as child last.

  “Hey, Sanna.”

  Sanna leapt off the ladder, Haven’s voice startling her. “Quit sneaking up on me like that!”

  “Sorry,” Haven said, her voice stuffy.

  “You look...” Sanna took in her friend’s frizzy hair, sweaty skin and drawn face. “terrible.”

  “That’s weird,” Haven croaked, “because I feel amazing.”

  “You should go home and get some rest.”

  “I wanted to talk to you—”

  “Actually, I’m running late,” Sanna said quickly, walking past her. “I have to get

  to the armory and dump this stuff off. We can talk tonight, okay? If you’re not sleeping.”

  “You’re seeing him again, aren’t you? People saw you last night. Your mom’s losing her mind over it.”

  “Why does she care? Wait,” Sanna faced her, “is that why you’re here? Did she send you?”

  “He’s not who you think he is, Sanna.”

  “Why are you both so against him?” Sanna demanded, crossing her arms over her chest. “It’s like you can’t fathom someone being interested in me.”

  “That’s not it at all,” Haven pleaded, grabbing Sanna’s wrist. “We’re just—we want to protect you. After Nico—”

  Sanna ripped her hand away. “I can take care of myself, Haven.”

  Someone rammed into Sanna hard enough to throw her off balance. The sweet stink of rotten flowers wafted over her. “Hey,” she shouted, searching the crowd, but the figure had disappeared into the masses.

  “Who was that?”

  “I don’t know,” Sanna rolled her shoulder. “I heard the new doctor processed bunch of arrivals today. I haven’t met her yet, have you?”

  “Him. And consider yourself lucky. The guy’s insufferable.”

  “He told you to call in sick.”

  “Like I said, insufferable.”

  “Well, I told Kai I’d take him to get his blood tested.” Sanna adjusted the quiver over her shoulder. “See you at home?”

  “You—” Haven paused, her elegant brows drawing together, “you really like him, don’t you? I can tell. You practically sparkle every time you say his name.”

  “Even I did, it woudn’t matter. I’m pretty sure he has a girlfriend in the Deadlands” Sanna glanced at the setting sun. Kai would be waiting for her by now, and she still had to go to the armory.

  “Look,” Haven began, frowning. “I’m really sorry but—”

  “Hey, I gotta go. You should go home and get some sleep.” She took off before Haven could stop her, towards the old brick school that served as Erling’s defense center, where Erling’s soldiers trained, ate, slept and strategized.

  Ever since Sanna turned twelve, she’d spent more time there than she had at her own home. She joined the row of soldiers waiting to turn in their government-supplied weapons and armor.

  The line moved quickly—people were fast when they wanted to head home. Within a few minutes she stood before the elderly man standing guard. He scanned her, scribbling into his ledger, and beckoned her forward.

  The armory was dark, with low ceilings and rows of lockers half-eaten by rust. Smells of stale sweat, and leather hung in the stagnant air. The yellowish paint on the cinderblock walls had faded to dirty cream. Smalll, barred windows cast crosshair shadows on the chipped linoleum floor and offered the only source of light.

  Sanna shed her thick leather duster and felt instantly lighter, hanging it alongside all the others. She shuffled down the narrow walkway, past the barrels of freshly sharpened swords and axes. She hung her quiver on an empty hook, then set her bow against the wall. So, what if Haven doesn’t like Kai—she liked Nico well enough, and look were that got me.

  The old guard’s wrinkly head popped into the open doorway. “What’s going on in there? Hurry up! You ain’t the only one who wants to go home, you know.”

  Sanna scurried out into the golden light of dusk. Haven was waiting beside the guard, who eyed her with apprehension every time she sniffled.

  “That girl’s gonna contaminate the whole village,” the guard warned Sanna.

  “Yeah, I know,” Sanna groaned inwardly as she walked right past her. Haven fell alongside her.

  “Mr. Long has always been a bit of a hypochondriac.”

  “He’s right. Whether you like it or not, you’re sick and you should go home. Mom said we ran out of antibiotics months ago.”

  “Come with me then. Let’s go.”

  “I already told you, I’m meeting Kai.” Sanna stopped once they emerged out of the narrow alley and faced her. “What is this about, Haven?”

  “He’s not who you think he is, Sanna.”

  “He saved our lives,” Sanna answered, firmly. “You should be more grateful.”

  “Think about it for two seconds. How has he survived so long out in there?” Haven threw her hand towards the wall. “By himself? After Nico I thought you wouldn’t be so gullible.”

  Sanna inhaled sharply. Haven knew how to hit her mark, when she wanted to. “I have to go.”

  “I’m just saying you should ask him about his past, that’s all.”

  Sanna spun around, furious. “Then I suppose I should ask you about yours as well then, huh? Like, how is that my mother went to New Hope for a CVC meeting and came back with you. It’s not like anyone asked me if I wanted a complete stranger to move into my house. One who barely said three words to me for five years and now suddenly wants to run my life.”

  “I’m just trying to look out for you—”

  “Well don’t. I’ve managed just fine without you.”

  Haven looked stunned, as if she had struck her.

  Then a fit of wet, watery coughing seized her, and she bent over, her long hair falling like a rich mahogany curtain. Sanna swallowed her bitter words. “Go home, Haven. I can take care of myself.”

  She left Haven in the alley, a mix of anger and guilt swir
ling inside her, poisoning her mood. Her mother had warned her when Haven first arrived that the girl’s past was best left alone. Sanna had honored that for years. It seemed blatantly unfair that she wouldn’t grant Kai the same benefit of the doubt, after all he’d done for them.

  Sanna broke into a jog, dodging groups of people who clogged the narrow street. At least the creepy voice hadn’t returned since she’d been in the Kill Zone. She loathed even thinking about it. In the broad light of day, the idea of communicating with the Infected seemed ridiculous. The voice and the strange feeling she got sometimes were probably just symptoms of the concussion she’d received the day Nico betrayed her.

  The tavern’s crumbling, swayed roof came into view. Sanna slowed to a sedate walk, not wanting to appear too eager. Her pulse quickened and her palms felt slick at the thought of seeing him again.

  She strategized the impending encounter like a guerrilla fighter. What should she say to him? Should she wait for him to talk? Would they even talk at all? Maybe the tender moment they’d shared last night had been a one-sided mirage, one she’d imbued with more meaning than he’d ever intended.

  The tavern sat on the other side of the street, its windows glowing with warm, jovial light. Most of the day-shift guards would be there, drinking to escape the endless gray slog of survival.

  Sanna gathered her courage. The nerves in her stomach refused to settle, so she crossed the thick mud of the street anyway. She wouldn’t let Haven or the voice ruin her evening, no matter what.

  KAI WAITED OUTSIDE the Tavern, ready to jump out of his own skin. He’d spent three days in Erling so far and had hardly seen Sanna at all. She’d been busy, helping to fortify the walls in case of another horde attacke. Or at least, her notes to him had said. It still seemed strange that in a town this small, he’d only caught glimpses of her as she scurried by in the mornings and evenings.

  Was she avoiding him? The thought stung, but he shoved it away. He’d wasted too much time here already. They had to get out of here. Soon. But how? Without a stupid blood test, he wasn’t allowed to leave the Tavern, much less convince Sanna to abandon everything she’d ever known.